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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

"For the rest of my life I'll be with you. I'll stay by your side honest and true, 'til the end of my time I'll be loving you loving you"- Maher Zain

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T.O.L.E.R.A.N.S.I

It reads “tolerance” in English.
What makes a relationship last? In my opinion being tolerant towards each other’s flaws is what holds a relationship together.

I once read;
“To be in a relationship is not to find a right partner, but to be one”.
Well said indeed. We can’t expect a person to be perfect while we just hang around here-full of faults. That’s pretty much unfair; don’t you think?

Every time I speak about relationships, I bet many ; especially readers of my age group would think about the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. But I’m actually emphasizing more on marriage.

I know, who am I, right? To actually talk about relationships? I’m not yet married nor do I have boyfriends to compare my experiences with. But from what I’ve been observing, that’s one of the key points to a successful relationship.

Marriage is not a one day occasion. Its not like a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship where it’s sweet and fun all the time or where you can break up 100x and get together again the next day and pretend as if nothing happened.

It’s easy to be in a bf-gf relationship because you do not OWN each other. You don’t have responsibilities upon each other. Your family is not of your partner’s concern. You still have full independence on yourself and you are not tied up.

Marriage on the other hand is something different. It’s very sacred. It’s a life-time commitment. Especially for girls; your life now, is a life TO your husband. Your father gave you away for another man to take care of you. Therefore, your duty is now to obey and let your new man lead you. You are no longer under your father’s responsibility. You are now building your own empire with your husband. You become a team with him– where you and your husband actually DEPEND on each other for support. You should hold on to each other’s back; good times and hard times.

Therefore, the need to learn on how to understand and compensate with our partner is very important. "Marriage life can be very difficult", I’ve been told many times. But it doesn’t mean that we should give up that easily when we encountered with a misunderstanding. Work things out to make things better. If you simply give up, to me, it’s like you’re stopping the love to grow between you. And you might not even experience the best of him/her.

However, the word toleration should not be misunderstood by misusing it, or taking it for granted.

Misused toleration in my own words means tolerance with less practicality and more towards sympathy.

Case study example: You bear with your relationship although you are aware that your partner is a woman beater, abuser and a liar.
Reason you stay put: "Sabar separuh iman(Patience is apart of Iman)" or "True Love"
Result from the misusage: You get hurt a lot of times
Rational thing to do (according to me): Get out of the marriage before he kills you… seriously… he’s not worth your bruises and you’re not worth his lies.

Taking things for granted on the other hand is like this :
Example: You’re a wife and your hubby doesn’t like you hanging out with your friends when he’s back from work.
Story line: You got away with it all the time coz he’s not the type to quarrel over small matters. Probable outcome: If this happened too frequently, he might get fed up with everything and leave you.
Solution: Just be obedient, he just came back from work and all he wants is to spend his time at home with you; to tell about his stories and problems or just to have someone to comfort him. Go spend time with your friends when he’s away at work. Moron! Lool..jk..!! I swear.. :D

Marriage is always a win-win situation. We ladies need somebody responsible to hold on to and to look after us while those gentlemen need someone he loves to prepare good food for him, takes care of his clothes and give him well mannered offspring(read: children).

No one I know would want a non-lasting marriage. When you marry someone, I bet all you dream of are the good things in life. To have an everlasting years of happiness together and to die in each other’s arms. That’s not impossible. Not impracticable at all. But like any other things, we have to work for it. Life is hard and so is love. But history proved that some had them easy. And that’s what made life wonderful. When we strive for something we really love.

Although sometimes, I do have to agree, that in some situations, being apart (splitting) would be the best solution for everyone(involved). Well, that’s a different story. To me, as long as you’ve tried your best to make the relationship last, its good enough. If it doesn’t work out, then it just not meant to be. But at least you've tried hard enough, right?

So as a conclusion you must have these values for a lasting relationship:
ADEQUATE TOLERANCE, UNDERSTANDING AND FORGIVENESS.

Footnote:
Life isn’t as easy as theory. I might be wrong. This is just from my point of view. :)

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22 comments:

ali makaveli said...

tq for this info.

ameera alzawawy said...

pleasure's all mine! :)

Dee said...

meera,u ni nmpk je enjoy2 happy2 fun2, but u really did some serious thinking and always wrote a good piece. ;p

ameera alzawawy said...

haha.. Diyana!! long time no hear from you at my blog.. :PP well.. this is the other part of me.. (hahaha...alaa.. takkan u tak ingat time2 matric) LOOOOL.. *malu.. :P

micfreak said...

this writing is forgiven as it's written by someone of no experience:D!

i think the way you described "dating life" is very much things you heard and seen from outside, so you got rather distorted picture of it.

like when u wrote :

"Its not like a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship where it’s sweet and fun all the time or where you can break up 100x and get together again the next day and pretend as if nothing happened."

and
this

"You don’t have responsibilities upon each other. Your family is not of your partner’s concern. You still have full independence on yourself and you are not tied up."

anyone who've dated before would simply say, you're inexperienced:>

judging from my experiences, dating is a practice before marriage, like you pracetice fasting half-day before actually fasting till dusk.
It teaches you responsibilities over your spouse, in some cases parents have good relationship with their children's boyfriend/girlfriend.
Some people are too controlling, so u sometimes don't get too much of an indpendence, it's like dating a policeman,haahah..u need to report all the time.

likewise marriage, but with difference in legality issues, dating also involves pains, brokenhearted, happiness, love,hate,quarrel,etc.:>

Therefore, as the saying goes, don't judge a book by it's cover:>

keep writing yea, nice works:>

ameera alzawawy said...

Mufac!! ^_____^

thanks for the comment on the article. And i appreciate very much on sharing your point of view.

But regret to say that, you somehow missed the point. :)

My main concern is not of the explanation but more towards the matter that I put forward at first, which is :

"Marriage is not a one day occasion"

The sentences after that are just to explain that MAIN sentence.
If you would like to requote me; then you should NOT missed out the first main subject. the correct way of requoting is :

"Marriage is not a one day occasion.Its not like a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship where it’s sweet and fun all the time or where you can break up 100x and get together again the next day and pretend as if nothing happened."

Your second argument was about responsibilities or if I may quote myself:

"It’s easy to be in a bf-gf relationship because you do not OWN each other (THIS PART YOU SEEMED TO MISS AS WELL-*THE MAIN CONCERN*). You don’t have responsibilities upon each other. Your family is not of your partner’s concern. You still have full independence on yourself and you are not tied up ( ANOTHER MAIN CONCERN"

and you also put front that; "it teaches you responsibility " explained by your analogy on fasting half a day.

Now, now, although fasting half a day prepares yourself to fast the whole day, but your half a day fasting is STILL considered 'NOT FASTING'. because the rule of fasting is to fast not half a day but till dusk (as u say it yourslf). In other words, tho it teaches you to be responsible, it doesnt mean that the responsibility is PUT DOWN UPON YOU! you are not tied with EACH OTHER'S responsibility. You can be a good man by being a responsible chap, but youre not poked by the pressure. Its up to you to be responsible or not and its up to one's sensibility as human who is thinking rationally.

But in marriage, you are tied down with certain laws; LIKE IT OR NOT.
A husband 's responsibility is being jot down and a wife's responsibilities are being noted in bai'ah as well once the akad is being lafaz-ed. :D. These responsibilities are not man-made but more towards God's orders.

If you fail to fulfill this responsibility then it will be a SIN for a husband or the wife who failed to do so.

TO BE CONTINUED ...

ameera alzawawy said...

cont..

Another thing is: break ups in relationship ends with a spoof of a wind. divorces in marriages ends up with 'left over' responsibilities. Divorce is also the "most hated Halal thing by Allah", if you want to put religion in sight. Where as break ups in a bf-gf relationship; it wouldnt even matter coz its not even a lawful thing. There are just some poeple who are not interested ion a responsible relationship. they just wanna have fun while they're at it ( Girls, just wanna have fun un..Oh girls just wanna have ffffunn! :D. My species are kinda naughty at times..:P )

When talking about parents who are nice to the bf/gf. This happens I agree, but do they have a say in how you should handle your relationship with their son/daughter? Lawfully they have no right to interfere in your life because you are not "connected" legally to them. Though I might agree that they are some bf who would confront face to face to some parents of their gf for permissions;(to go out ,etc); but among all, how many does that all the time? That's how I make it general say: the family of your partner is not the concern of his/her.(Although not all are like that. And I personally know Micfreak is not one of them :) )

About the independence; its all up to you. Its not that one should report pun all the time. thats why some always get in a fight. Coz they dont report. kan? you have the independence but if you are willing to give it away before your marriage its up to you.

I'm not judging a book by its cover. i'm just seeing things in my on way. Like how you see things in yours. :)

random opinions. that's why the world are full of people with "varieties". And that's why we get a choice to pick our favorite. I dont think there's a need to apologize on anyone as I'm just sharing my own views. And I see good comments before that, so i guess there are just some people who thinks like me too. :)

I hope i dun get you offended in my reply. I just want to clear some facts. which according to me is the correct way. :) If you disagree with, its really up to you.

Ameera

ameera alzawawy said...

wat is wrong with my english???? it sounds so horrible!!! sorry!!

Mamad Bafaraj said...

Nice journal Ameerah.
Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Miso sup Japanese!! Haaahaaaheeehee!!

Good good.Boleh ganti Dr.F Khamsah. Kwaaakwaa

ameera alzawawy said...

@ Mamad bafarj : Thank you for commenting. Glad you enjoyed it! Come visit always.. :PPPPPP

@Anonymous : tak perlu.... -_-"

liza said...

hey meera,

a marriage includes:

accepting each other for what he/she really is and not expecting more than what is seen/offered

asking oneself: Can i wake up everyday to his/her face and still enjoy doing it for the rest of my life together with him/her?

not taking each other for granted

ameera alzawawy said...

well said Liza!
Thanx for sharing. :)

cik dhiya said...

ahaa, impressed! :)

Anonymous said...

hahahahahaha *break-up-100x* hahahahaha. zaw, sumpah aku nak baca semua tp kepanjangan yang melampau T_______T but i managed to go thru the whole content of ur post, not all the comments though :p i gotta say ur micfreak friend got a point too. marriage is like the ultimatum of every male-female rship. im not the most suitable one to start discussing abt dating n stuff but somehow i must say that experience is not the best teacher with regards to this matter (marriage) coz lets take example of couples who gt married without even dating each other at the very 1st place.. they dont "practice", but they rock their marriage (watev rock definition u may think of :p) in my humble opinion (awww) its not abt practice or experience or etc.. its u urself and the partner u'll choose. the rest we'll just leave it to Him. after all, we're only imperfect human beings who constatntly make mistakes but the main quest is to seek forgiveness upon Him so that with His mercy, we'll get the best that we can ever wish for in our lives, in whichever ways it may come/happen to us. baaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh sorry mebi terlari 100km dari tajuk asal! peas v(^____^)v

ps: yes i also took the liberty to read ur sectionals post. HAHA sape tu doh? gila spelling error punya examiner ke apa? :p

micfreak said...

:D
hahah...i think we shud sit at starsucks at Jayaputra and talk this over..:D..lol

not offended, just glad that you are still the same you..:>

Abdullah said...

In my view, we come to love not by finding a perfect person. But by being able to see an imperfect person perfectly!

ameera alzawawy said...

:) yeahh...

imperfections can be an attraction.. ;)

Abdullah said...

Yup.. It makes you know that your partner is human.. not a robot which does not have feelings and does not make mistakes..

P.s. As a career option.. i think you would excel being a customer service manager.. That was the fastest respond I've ever got from anyone! :-)

ameera alzawawy said...

haha.. god bless blackberry! :P

Abdullah said...

Indeed! Thank god for Berries and not iCrap! Makes communications WAY so much easier! Especially BBM :-D

ameera alzawawy said...

well.. theres alwiz whatsApp and pingchat for iphone users..-_-"
but i must agree bbm helps alot.. specially credit wise :D